Zero...Finally

I haven't posted in a while - not because there was a dirth of news. I just figured there was no need to give a week by week update. :)

After my last week's results, I was told to resume Birth Control Pills and after today's results, I was told that my levels are finally at zero! Wow - nearly 2 months since the horrible fiasco began. Sigh!

Anyways, I am to continue my birth control pills and resume my prenatal vitamins. I have to have a consultation with Dr BT to discuss next steps. Sigh. That is scheduled for Monday November 1st at 3:30pm. I don't know why I am slightly nervous about that, but I am. I thought I was supposed to start the prescription strength folic acid, but the nurse told me I had to meet with Dr BT first and go from there.

I guess we'll see what happens. I don't know...I should feel more excited, but I feel ambivalent. I am afraid to hear what is next. Will we have another change? Will I have the strength to go through it all? Can I keep myself from being less engaged but still engaged? It is soo hard. I don't know it's the last attempt and that does weigh on me. I hope I am strong enough for whatever news I hear. So yeah - nervous about my Monday appointment. We'll see.

Anyways - for now I am zero! So yay! I am relieved. I know I am but I am nervous.

Scranky

I am sad and cranky today - so scranky. Mainly, because I had to go in for another blood test. Going to the office is putting me in a bad mood. I hate going in, but I think I am destined to go in for what feels like....FOREVER!!! Grrrrr.

Just got the call and my number is down to 174. It is down, but wow it is dragging on - isn't it??? Why does it take so long? Gah!

Anyways, back for another pricking next Friday! Ulgh - I'm really really really starting to hate going in. :( Oh well - nothing I can do. It was one thing to have weekly prickings when you were starting something - hoping for something. This one is just annoying because it monitoring an ending. I know necessary, but it's just a constant reminder so it sucks.

At this rate, this cycle is never-ending. They own me for the rest of the year. It just all sucks and puts me in such a bad mood. Such a scranky freaking mood. I can escape all this for a week but am always reminded every Friday. I know it is what it is, but it annoys me nonetheless and makes me all a bit sad.

But yeah - still going down and the slowest pace ever, but at least down down down down and the Fertility place owns me for the rest of the year. Sigh...

Sorry for all these annoying and whiney posts. I am not always like this...really I am not.

Down

Another day...another blood test. Today's blood test registered a lower number - 221. Last week we were at 324 and today we are at 221. So, yay, we're finally going down. It still weird typing that and cheering it but I know it's all good....at least we are going down.

I am still tired, but I have been working a lot and rising early because of Jack so that has something to with it. Oh well.

I go back next Friday for another test. Though I am "happy" that numbers are going down, I am not thrilled how long this process is taking. It feels like it'll take another 3-4 weeks before we're at zero. Sigh...it's weird to live your life - do the every day thing - work etc and then stop and realize "oh, wait! there's this other thing!" I don't know it's all so weird. I have never ever been here before. It's a really weird thing - it's taking so long to be done with this. I loathe walking into the Doctor Office right now. I mean everyone is nice, but I am not in there to prep to get pregnant. I am not there to monitor my pregnancy. I am in there every week to make sure my non-pregnancy pregnancy is gone - done with. My body reset so to speak. I don't know it's weird. All of this weird.

Anyways, numbers are down. Not sure how long this will take to get back to zero but it feels like it is creeping....nothing I can do though.

In other news, tomorrow we are taking Jack to see a Mystere - a Cirque du Soleil show here in town. He is very excited and loves shows. I am looking forward to it. It'll be fun!

Still Here

I am still here - waiting to go in on Friday for another blood test. It'll be exactly one month since the bad news ordeal has started. Sept 1st was the day I got the bad and unexpected call from Dr BT regarding the fact that no implantation was detected. It was also the day that I had my first of many horrible crying meltdowns and had the pleasure of waking up with a lovely allergic reaction to the PIO shots. Gah! All horrible horrible memories.

The sad part - it's been 4 weeks but I don't feel like I am any further along in making this a distant memory. As a matter of fact, the last 3 days I have felt more tired and my nipples/breast have begun being sore again. The pain went away for a bit but now it is back and honestly I don't know what to make of it. I am really scared that I will go in on Friday and get a call that my numbers are up and not just up by a little but by a lot. Sigh. I am just not sure when this hell will end. :(

I know sore nipples/boobs can be a variety of things, but I can't help it is related to my damn persistent non-pregnancy pregnancy. I feel like my body has been taken hostage to this beta hell. Shouldn't numbers go down? Not creep ever so slowly up? I don't know. If this is not viable and has been attacked with meds and non-meds shouldn't it be going away more swiftly? This slo-mo path I am on just sucks!

I know I know nothing. I have to wait until Friday, but the fact that I haven't bled (even though I bled a lot prior to the methotrexate shot) I was told I might be again but so far nothing. Not even a little spot.

Sigh...I am tired...on so many levels. I really hope my numbers are finally down on Friday. I am afraid they won't be and that just makes me sad.

OMG - Slowest Process Ever....

Sigh - so blood test today. Result from 324 to 329. I assume that we are on the right track. It went up, but by only 5 points in 3 days so I assume we are on our way to resolve this thing. I am annoyed though that it is still went up. Why couldn't it go down already? WHY???? This has to be the absolutely slowest and most torturous ending to a cycle ever...well...at least for me! I am so tired of it. At this rate, I feel like I am never going to be done with it. Why is it that whatever is in there in me so non-viable yet so persistent? It just makes anything so much more difficult. At least with my last chemical, it was all done within a week and I know this isn't a chemical, but you think with the numbers being so low things would resolve a lot faster even if it wasn't implanted correctly. I am supposed to have a chemical ectopic. Shouldn't it resolve a little faster? It breaks my heart to think of this non-embryo/baby whatever keep hanging on. Just release me already - you know? I desperately need this to be done with.

I don't know - usually I can forget about all of it. I don't feel many symptoms now, but when I have a blood test and hear the results I am reminded of it all again and it sucks! It's like "Oh, right! I am not ok!" When can I just be done with it and move on? Until this cycle is over/over - I can't. Gah! I am sooo frustrated. This is without a doubt my most hated cycle. On every level! There have been no good moments. All sucky. And right now, it keeps sucking. I have accepted it didn't work. I have accepted the bad luck - can't there at least be some dignity in resolving all this quickly? I swear sometimes my body is my worst enemy.

Oh well - other than that, I went to an Allergist today. Complete and utter waste of time. The Doctor had no clue what to do. Kept doing all these tests to see if I had food allergies than wanted me back in two weeks with prog in oil in hand to do more testing, i.e. give me a shot and see how I react. I don't want that while I am still trying to resolve this non-pregnancy pregnancy. It was annoying and 2+ hours later and $100 less in my pocket I am where I started. I don't seem to have any more answers and really no faith that he'll get some. One thing I found out I don't seem to be allergic to the sesame oil, but maybe that type of progesterone itself. I was fine on the Progesterone Suppositories when I got switched so I may stick with those if there is ever another cycle.

Soooo, I think I'll just wait and see. I'll talk to Dr BT and see our options when we have our consult if ever we have one which right now I can't even envision since I am still in Cycle 1 hell (technically it is Cycle 4). Sigh...

Gah! So frustrated. I really hope the number is down next Friday, but I have a sick feeling it may still be up - by 1 pt maybe but still up. Whatever non-viable is in me is sticking around persistently and stubbornly no matter how many ways we try to kill it and honestly that just makes me sad over and over again. I feel like I am stuck in some bad Looney Toon Cartoon where you keep trying to kill this non-viable embryo/baby with everything possible and yet it keeps drumming along. However, this is not a cartoon. This is my body. My embryo - would be baby that just keeps sticking around even if it is being bombarded with harmful things to make it go away and I don't know I can't help but be affected by that idea. The statement "it just won't die" sucks and hurts. I am meant to protect it. I am meant to keep it from harm and here I am not and wishing it to be done and that conflict gets to be too much sometimes.

I don't know. I am having a moment. It's just all very hard.

Up -But On The Way Down?

Today's lucky number is 324. Still up, but slowing. In 4 days we went from 221 to 324 so hopefully on Friday it will be down. When the office called, they said the higher number was expected. With methotrexate, they usually expect the first blood test after to still be up but then will see it go down in subsequent tests. So, we shall see.

I am ok. I have my good days and my bad. I am soooooo sick of the blood tests. My veins hurt and all the lab people at the office know me and give me pitying looks. I know they feel bad and I smile and reassure I am hanging in there - just hoping it all will be over.

Today I am doing ok. Not super sad. Or weepy or angry so all in all an okay day. I am tired, but I am always tired! We went to Jack's friend's birthday party last night. It was fun. Jack had a great time. They held it at a go-kart fun place so Jack rode a mini go-kart all by himself. Rode the mini-roller coaster 3 times with LOML and many more other rides. Overall, it was a lot of fun and it was nice to do something non-IVF for a while. It was a late evening, but it was fun. Good family fun and I needed that.

So - next stop - Friday. I go in for blood and have an appointment with an Allergist. We'll see how that goes. Fun stuff - can I just say how tired I am of going to the doctor? Any doctor?! I am so sick of the Fertility Center I go to - Dr BT even made it into my dreams last night trying to talk to me about my options and my chances. When I told him I wasn't ever planning on doing a fresh cycle, he stopped and said "Hmm, that changes things!" LOL Sigh...

Anyways - to my one and only commenter, Amanda, I appreciate you "blog-stalking". :) It is comforting to know that I am not alone through all this - though I have to say that my heart breaks at the same time knowing that someone else had the same experience or similar feelings going through it. It's not fun going through it now and I don't wish it on anyone else. Thank you for always commenting and supporting me. I appreciate it. More than you know. I am sorry we have so many similar experiences, but know that the one we treasure most is the fact we both have our "little embryo that could" smiling back at us when we need it most. :) That does help. It doesn't make up for everything, but it definitely helps. So, thank you for always offering advice and words of encouragement. :) They mean a lot and have helped so much through this most difficult cycle.

Numbers Game

I am here. I am surviving. Haven't had any crazy Methotrexate side effects thus far except I am very tired and sometimes get a bit queasy and dizzy. Headaches come and go, but overall don't feel any different. If anything I have the same feelings I have had all along which is the recurrent hot flashes. Sigh. I hope it is working. For some reason I am questioning if anything is happening due to lack of s/e. I guess we'll see. I am going on Tuesday for another blood test. The nurse said not to freak out when my numbers are still up (that happens!) and I do believe that will be the case since I still have the same "pregnancy" symptoms as I have had all along. Gah! Hope the numbers aren't up too much though. I just want this to end already....the waiting. Not knowing is sooooo frustrating. Until they go down I am not out of rupture danger yet - numbers are still low which is great, but if they keep going up - not so good! So we'll see.

Anyways, so that's where we are. I am just tired and sad...and of course I am all too aware of every happy, glowing pregnant woman out and about. Sigh...all I can think of is I am pregnant but not. Trying to kill "it" before it can kill me. Still suffering through the pregnancy symptoms but knowing I am trying to make them stop is just hard.

The sucky part about this cycle - I know there are soooo many, but one of the big ones is that I never got to be happy about being pregnant. From the very beginning, I got the "pregnant but not good" news so I never got to be happy or hopeful for even a day. That kind of sucks. I have had too many crying fits instead of the one big one. Even now, my numbers are going up but it is all bad news. No good news. With my last chemical, it was unexpected. I went in and got a positive and the blood test 2 days later went down. It was hard. Shocking, but I was at least elated for 2 days. I don't know - neither case is great, but I don't know getting so much bad news for so long with no end in sight is just wearing on me. It's fine. I am fine. Just sad at times. It'll pass. It wasn't meant to be. We have Jack. We're lucky. We're blessed. I know. Still hard, but it's ok. The nurse kept telling me it's ok to cry. To weep. This is tough - just as bad as a miscarriage. It's all bad. I have no words. I know it wasn't meant to be. I know that. Rationally and logically I know that - the emotional part of me has a hard time with it, but yes, I know it's ok. All is ok. LOML is able to be more unattached to it since it all happened so early and he isn't "living" with it - his body isn't registering anything, but to me it is still a loss. A loss I am trying to grieve, but can't fully since it is still there - growing. Slowly. Badly, but still growing. This one is even harder since the cycle was sooo hard and was never good - low numbers and ectopic - and the fact that it sooooo stubbornly sticks around just sucks and that we are trying different ways to rid me of it to keep me safe is just hard to take sometimes. I don't know. I haven't been here before and I hope to never be here again. Sigh.

Anyways, we'll see where we are at on Tuesday. I want it to be over with already, but it'll be a long time before we get there. It's draining, but I am fine. I am fine. I am fine. I am fine. Hopefully, done with this soon but fine. :) If I keep repeating that to myself, eventually I will be, right? :) I have Jack. I am more than blessed for having him in my life. Creating a life is a miracle. A true miracle. If I ever doubted it (which I never have), I am reminded again now how much Jack is a miracle. If he is a particularly willful child, but I believe he had to be to survive in my crazy and messed up uterus. He eases the pain. He can't make it go away completely - but his presence eases it a little.

Thanks for the encouraging words and support! Much appreciated. For now, I am hanging in there....always hanging in. There are a lot of women going through worse. I know. I am still lucky and have it good in so many ways....feel bad for even complaining BUT no one really reads this blog and it has always been for me so I don't annoy the loved ones around me! :)

Oh well...we'll see what happens. I am fine. I'll be fine. :)