OMG - Slowest Process Ever....

Sigh - so blood test today. Result from 324 to 329. I assume that we are on the right track. It went up, but by only 5 points in 3 days so I assume we are on our way to resolve this thing. I am annoyed though that it is still went up. Why couldn't it go down already? WHY???? This has to be the absolutely slowest and most torturous ending to a cycle ever...well...at least for me! I am so tired of it. At this rate, I feel like I am never going to be done with it. Why is it that whatever is in there in me so non-viable yet so persistent? It just makes anything so much more difficult. At least with my last chemical, it was all done within a week and I know this isn't a chemical, but you think with the numbers being so low things would resolve a lot faster even if it wasn't implanted correctly. I am supposed to have a chemical ectopic. Shouldn't it resolve a little faster? It breaks my heart to think of this non-embryo/baby whatever keep hanging on. Just release me already - you know? I desperately need this to be done with.

I don't know - usually I can forget about all of it. I don't feel many symptoms now, but when I have a blood test and hear the results I am reminded of it all again and it sucks! It's like "Oh, right! I am not ok!" When can I just be done with it and move on? Until this cycle is over/over - I can't. Gah! I am sooo frustrated. This is without a doubt my most hated cycle. On every level! There have been no good moments. All sucky. And right now, it keeps sucking. I have accepted it didn't work. I have accepted the bad luck - can't there at least be some dignity in resolving all this quickly? I swear sometimes my body is my worst enemy.

Oh well - other than that, I went to an Allergist today. Complete and utter waste of time. The Doctor had no clue what to do. Kept doing all these tests to see if I had food allergies than wanted me back in two weeks with prog in oil in hand to do more testing, i.e. give me a shot and see how I react. I don't want that while I am still trying to resolve this non-pregnancy pregnancy. It was annoying and 2+ hours later and $100 less in my pocket I am where I started. I don't seem to have any more answers and really no faith that he'll get some. One thing I found out I don't seem to be allergic to the sesame oil, but maybe that type of progesterone itself. I was fine on the Progesterone Suppositories when I got switched so I may stick with those if there is ever another cycle.

Soooo, I think I'll just wait and see. I'll talk to Dr BT and see our options when we have our consult if ever we have one which right now I can't even envision since I am still in Cycle 1 hell (technically it is Cycle 4). Sigh...

Gah! So frustrated. I really hope the number is down next Friday, but I have a sick feeling it may still be up - by 1 pt maybe but still up. Whatever non-viable is in me is sticking around persistently and stubbornly no matter how many ways we try to kill it and honestly that just makes me sad over and over again. I feel like I am stuck in some bad Looney Toon Cartoon where you keep trying to kill this non-viable embryo/baby with everything possible and yet it keeps drumming along. However, this is not a cartoon. This is my body. My embryo - would be baby that just keeps sticking around even if it is being bombarded with harmful things to make it go away and I don't know I can't help but be affected by that idea. The statement "it just won't die" sucks and hurts. I am meant to protect it. I am meant to keep it from harm and here I am not and wishing it to be done and that conflict gets to be too much sometimes.

I don't know. I am having a moment. It's just all very hard.