Still Here

I am still here - waiting to go in on Friday for another blood test. It'll be exactly one month since the bad news ordeal has started. Sept 1st was the day I got the bad and unexpected call from Dr BT regarding the fact that no implantation was detected. It was also the day that I had my first of many horrible crying meltdowns and had the pleasure of waking up with a lovely allergic reaction to the PIO shots. Gah! All horrible horrible memories.

The sad part - it's been 4 weeks but I don't feel like I am any further along in making this a distant memory. As a matter of fact, the last 3 days I have felt more tired and my nipples/breast have begun being sore again. The pain went away for a bit but now it is back and honestly I don't know what to make of it. I am really scared that I will go in on Friday and get a call that my numbers are up and not just up by a little but by a lot. Sigh. I am just not sure when this hell will end. :(

I know sore nipples/boobs can be a variety of things, but I can't help it is related to my damn persistent non-pregnancy pregnancy. I feel like my body has been taken hostage to this beta hell. Shouldn't numbers go down? Not creep ever so slowly up? I don't know. If this is not viable and has been attacked with meds and non-meds shouldn't it be going away more swiftly? This slo-mo path I am on just sucks!

I know I know nothing. I have to wait until Friday, but the fact that I haven't bled (even though I bled a lot prior to the methotrexate shot) I was told I might be again but so far nothing. Not even a little spot.

Sigh...I am tired...on so many levels. I really hope my numbers are finally down on Friday. I am afraid they won't be and that just makes me sad.